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Sunday, December 7, 2014

Gratitude Day 8: Happy Birthday M.......

Today is your birthday.

Today I would be busy and anxious preparing you a birthday surprise party.
Why anxious? Because I knew that whatever I do, you wouldn't appreciate my efforts. 

You know what? It was fine for me that you didn't appreciate the effort I put in for you but what made me so worried was trying to understand what you actually DID want. 
  If I prepared a party, you'd say you hate to make fuss of your birthday and I'd pay for it. 
  If I just did "nothing" and made it a simple celebration at home with only the two of us, you'd get angry and decide that you were obviously not important enough for me, and I'd pay for that, too.
  If I invited your family, you'd say you like to have your friends around (and I'd pay for it).
  When I invited your friends, you yelled and said 'What about my family?' and I'd pay for it.
  When I invited them all, you worried about how much it would cost and I'd pay for it.
  If I just ask you 'what do you want, what would make you happy?' I'd pay for it, and I paid and paid for every single thing I did or didn't do. 

None of the gifts was good enough, none of the dishes or choice of restaurant or cake was good enough.
I was crazy-anxious...

Today is your birthday, and I am still anxious.
You're not here and I won't have to prepare anything special, but I still wish I could. I just want to make you happy. That is all I ever tried to do. I wanted you to be happy.

I couldn't. I failed at that. I had to leave. Today you'll celebrate without us. I don't know if you'll be alone or surrounded by friends and family. I know your kids won't be there. I won't be there. My heart is sad for you.

On your birthday, I want to say thank you. This message will stay here on the blog, I can't send it to you, or I would pay for it, however nice it can be.

Today I am grateful for you, for the lessons you taught me. You've taught me a lot, so much more than you know. You've taught me all the things I dislike. You taught me how I don't want to be, who I refuse to ever become any more.

  Thank you for being non-appreciative. I've learned how to appreciate everyone and everything.
  Thank you for being disrespectful. I've learned the importance of respect, of people's worth and value.
  Thank you for being uncaring. I've learned how to have compassion and feel the pain of others.
  Thank you for being unloving. I've learned that love shines from the heart and through the eyes, not only in the words that people say.
  Thank you for being manipulative. I've learned to think for myself and make my own decisions.
  Thank you for being abusive. I've learned to be resilient.
  Thank you for being violent. I've learned to be strong and handle pain.
  Thank you for being who you are. I've learned I had to be away. I've learned I couldn't save you.
  Thank you for holding me prisoner. I've learned to appreciate my freedom.
  Thank you for lying to me, cheating on me, beating me, crushing my soul ....

I'm learning to forget you.